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By Joe Fries
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be a heretofore unknown branch on humankind’s family tree.
That explains a lot – about your mother-in-law, your creepy neighbour, and probably some co-workers.
The new breed apparently split about one million years ago from the branch that connects humans to Neanderthals. This was determined by DNA from a finger bone discovered in a cave in Siberia, according to an Associated Press story.
As it turns out, there could be many offshoots on the tree of life we don’t know about. But I suspect, however, that the evidence is right in front of us.
Take your mother-in-law: Truly a strange creature, reminiscent of her off-spring, though clearly not of the same species, particularly when it comes to physical appearance and, um, idiosyncrasies – not that you’d ever be stupid enough to say that out loud. Wait. Bad example.
How about that creepy neighbour of yours: The reason you only ever see a fleshy slice of him peeping out from behind his blinds is because he’s not genetically adapted to light, and eschews all clothing in favour of underwear only because he’s more comfortable in a loin cloth.
And your weird co-worker: He looks and smells like he lives in a cave, communicates through unintelligible grunts, and manages to accomplish nothing, save for creating a small mountain of chicken bones and orange peels beside his waste basket each day. he’s probably one double helix away from homo erectus, kind of like that funny guy on the GEICO commercials.
Take this a little further to people you don’t know, and the alternate-breed theory could be used to explain celebrities and athletes.
Remember Michael Jackson?
What about 99 per cent of Olympic athletes, those gorgeous creatures with their perfectly toned bodies, dazzling smiles and impossibly hopeful outlooks on life? Seriously, it’s not possible for regular humans to look respectable – never mind attractive – in body-hugging suits.
Politicians, car salesmen, Ann Coulter, your boss, fascist dictators, traffic cops… the list goes on. And you thought your boss was from a different planet.
joe@kelowna.com
250-575-4303
