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By Chuck Poulsen
If I’ve ever read a column about someone’s pet, it was only because I needed to doze off.
This is different – it’s MY dog, dammit, so pay attention! Her name is Seagull and, as reported in a previous column, we brought her back from Mexico where she had been abandoned. Seagull is about five-months-old now.
Thanks to everyone who showed an interest in adopting Seagull, but a strange thing happened. I fell for the mutt, or, in psycho-babble language, we bonded.
This won’t be a maudlin or sentimental column. It will explain to dog owners the only thing they need to know about training a dog – in a minute.
It was relatively easy getting Seagull across the border. All that was needed was a vet’s certificate from Mexico that she had received vaccinations and wouldn’t set off a bomb on the plane.
There are more dogs in Mexico than people, most of the dogs in sad physical condition. Our vet says there are many Canadians who rescue dogs from Mexico.
Seagull probably has a lot of greyhound in her, says Karen Stirling at the SPCA. Seagull may be put into races to help pay for the ridiculously high cost of keeping a mutt fed. I also remind her she “ain’t nothing but a hound dog.”
The mutt eats everything: animal, vegetable and mineral, plus shoes, pillows, blankets, socks and my cell phone. My keys disappeared for two days before Seagull dragged them out from her hiding spot.
Last week, Mrs. Poulsen was on her hands and knees looking for the TV remote. Do you have any idea of the panic that arises in humans when they can’t find the remote? We had to buy a new one.
We have four cats. The youngest, kitten Lola, taunts Seagull. Lola knows she can scoot under things, like the bed, or on things, like the counter, and the dog can’t get to her. This proves again that cats really are much smarter than dogs.
The cat known as Fat Jack – nine-years-old – has Seagull in fear. Fat Jack has stopped mutilating the dog’s forehead with his claws, but Seagull still cuts a wide swath around Fat Jack. This again proves that cats are smarter – and scarier – than dogs.
I take Seagull to the Glenmore off-leash park almost daily. When I first heard of the park, my thought was: biting and blood.
This doesn’t happen. The dogs work out their relationships and then run around like crazy. From poodle to pit bull, these dogs get along better than people.
I have just read two books about dog training. I used to be from an old school where you smacked a dog when it did something wrong.
This is stupid and should never be done. The dog just learns to fear its owner and won’t come near the owner’s hand for fear of pain.
So here is the big trick on training a dog. Drum roll please:
Bribe the dog.
I keep a pocket full of doggy chicken jerky and whenever I want the mutt to do something. I hold my hand down with a piece of jerky in it. It works like magic and Seagull’s owner has become the star of the doggie park with people asking: “How do you get her to come so easily?”
The jerky is tasty so every time Seagull gets a hunk, I take a bite. Mrs. Poulsen says it’s “disgusting” that I eat dog food. That’s just how wives are and little can be done to train them otherwise.
Nothing is more embarrassing for a human to beg a dog to come and the dog ignores the command.
For instance: “Rufus, come, come, come, come, please come, come on Rufus, do you understand me!!”
Rufus is thinking: “What the hell is in it for me?”
Former school district superintendent Ron Rubadeau has this take on my technique:
“Sure, bribery. It works with kids, too.”
It also works with wives, but not within the budget of chicken jerky.
Chuck Poulsen is a retired journalist, but can’t seem to stop writing. You can contact him directly at needlepoint@shaw.ca. His column appears Wednesdays.
