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By Pieter Uni

If you watched any Pierre McGuire appearances during NBC’s Sunday game of the week, or any of TSN’s hockey broadcasts, you may agree that it takes more than a few stiff beverages to get through some of his eccentric verbiage.

On occasion his infatuation with hockey players borders on inappropriate. Need an example?

“Brian Gionta – the only thing small about him is his body type. Everything else is gigantic.”

Everything else is gigantic Pierre?

How about another one?

“(Shea) Weber is an Adonis on skates!”

But it’s not the questionable statements made about players’ physiques that bother me. What’s really  upsetting is that while the man possesses a great deal of intelligence when it comes to the game of hockey, very rarely does that make it to television.

McGuire, who has a particular love for junior hockey and the rising stars that are developed within the CHL, allows his passion to dictate his comments rather than what is happening during a game.

Another example: “Jordan Eberle – Man is this guy tricky, unbelievable skills.”

That gem followed Eberle’s inability to hit the net on a 2-on-1 opportunity. Eberle is a tremendous player and deserves praise for his terrific play as a hockey player, but save that praise for when he does something outstanding, not when he fails to hit the net.

How about one more?

After Patrice Cormier threw out an ugly elbow that caught Sweden’s Anton Rodin in the head during an exhibition game prior to the 2010 junior world tournament, McGuire had this to say:

“That was a lot of elbow, it was one of those elbows that leaves a mark on your nose.”

Had it been a Canadian who caught the elbow, McGuire would have been screaming for justice, but because it was a Canadian who delivered the elbow, it was laughed off.

It is that type of comment that makes me search for something that will dull my senses and allow me to watch McGuire, but not hear him.

So, while I don’t condone excessive alcohol consumption, here’s the  key to surviving his show.  I stumbled onto this game, which can be found on a number of websites that may make McGuire’s NHL broadcasts more tolerable.

The Pierre McGuire drinking game:

Drink one gulp of your beverage if Pierre says the words:

• Dion Phaneuf
• Mike Richards
• Carey Price
• Jonathan Toews
• Monster
• Whaaamo!
• El- Kabong
• Real Deal
• Puck Poise
• Big Body Presence
• Active Stick
• Calls a Player “Special” or ” a fine young man”
• Wow!
• Tenacity

Drink two gulps of your beverage if Pierre:

• Giggles at any point during the game
• Pronounces a European club team using European pronounciation
• Mentions people he met in Europe
• Says “Team ‘X’ Scouting staff did a great job finding this player”
• Goes nuts when a team is penalized for having too many men on the ice
• WJC host city is “Beautiful” or “Filled with great people”
• If a stick breaks and Pierre rambles on about one-piece sticks
• Says welcome to the Show (Ex. Welcome to the Crosby Show)
• Cuts off Gord Miller (Ex. WJC 2009 Eberle ties the game)
• If Pierre says “Time and Space”
• If Pierre goes on about a players Junior Career
• If Pierre says “It’s Hammer Time”
• Says “Sheer Larceny”

Drink three gulps of your beverage if Pierre:

• Mentions a Staal brother who isn’t playing
• Mentions a Sutter brother who isn’t involved in the game
• Says the game is a classic!
• Says “Team X should be so excited about having this guy he is gonna be great for them down the road.”
• If Pierre says “Roof Daddy.”
• If Pierre says “That’s a Double Dion.”
• Pierre uses his famous line “He’s suckin’ dirty pond water.”
• “X” player is “oozing with hockey sense.”
• Drink if Pierre uses three or more adjectives consecutively to describe a player or a team… ie: “Size, athleticism, composure etc…” extra drinks if he uses terms such as “big body presence” that are already on the chart as said adjectives.

Chug your beverage if Pierre:

• Has an orgasm at the mic (Ex. Dustin Tokarski’s save WJC in 2009)
• If Pierre ruins the moment aka butchers the call (Ex. WJC in 2009 Eberle ties the game with 5.5 seconds left…. Gord Miller: Can you Believe it!… Pierre: I can!)
• Says ” Thats vintage X” (Ex. Thats Vintage Jake Allen)

Snap shots

The Vancouver Canucks have now won a league-high nine games when trailing after the second period. That is three more than any other team in the NHL. The Canucks have also scored 82 third-period goals this season, second only to Alex Ovechkin and his Washington Capitals. What does it all mean? Don’t show up until the third period, that’s when the Canucks do.

Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield are on the cusp of signing a deal that would see the two fight for a third time. Looks like Mike wants to even out Evander’s other ear.

Tags: drinking game, Mike Tyson, Pierre McGuire, Vancouver Canucks

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 9th, 2010 at 5:00 am and is filed under Multimedia, Pieter Uni. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.