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Canwest News Service
Jingle All the Way (1996): Arnold Schwarzenegger has survived Judgment Day and even governed the state of California. But in Jingle All the Way, Arnie can't even successfully wrestle an action figure away from 1990s comic Sinbad. Schwarzenegger stars as a schmuck who's desperate to get his kid (played by the Phantom Menace's lil Anakin Skywalker, Jake Lloyd) something called a "Turbo Man" action figure. Because if there's anything more heartwarming than a parent trying to buy his child's love with material crap, it's watching a grown man get kicked in the junk by a reindeer.
Hardball (2001): When you've learned kung fu and defeated your computer overlords in an effects-heavy sci-fifilm, where do you go from there? Well, if you're Keanu Reeves, you head to the projects to coach a kids' baseball team. For some reason, the gig is the only way to pay off his gambling debts (because we all know how much cold, hard cash community baseball coaches make), but soon these heartwarming tykes are teaching him how to love. Hardball was Reeves's attempt to show emotion after his chilly performance in The Matrix, but he obviously forgot that his expression of emotion comes across as constipation.
The Game Plan (2007): Joe Kingman (Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson) is a pro quarterback who lo-o-ves Elvis (zany!) and hanging out with hot chicks (zany?). But on the eve of the big game, Johnson gets a big surprise: Turns out he's got an eight-year-old daughter. (Parental neglect: even zanier!) Stuck with the kid, Kingman tries to be a good dad while the kid tries to set dad up with a more wholesome mother figure than the blond Russian he's been seeing. Incidentally, this is also the last movie where Johnson was officially credited with his nom-du-wrestling. So, he not only lost the Rock, but also his rocks by making this movie. (Zing!)
The Kid (2000): Apparently tired of chasing bad guys and shooting them dead, Bruce Willis took a break from butt-kicking to film The Kid. He plays Russell, a cold, all-business image consultant who has forgotten about his childhood dreams. Luckily, he's visited by himself as a child (played by Spencer Breslin), who helps Russell remember that life isn't all about money and jerking around your girlfriend. Of course, not all childhood dreams are meant to be realized; when we were little, we couldn't wait to grow up so we could eat ice cream at every meal. The reality of that dream is far less awesome than our five-year-old selves could have predicted.
Are We There Yet? (2005): Whether he's starring in action or family fare, Ice Cube can't catch a break. If he's not getting swallowed whole by some super-sized snake in Anaconda, he's getting plunked by some tween in Are We There Yet? In the flick, Ice Cube stars as a regular dude trying to reunite his girlfriend (Nia Long) with her kids while she's away on business. This not being Torque or XXX, Ice Cube has to forgo more bad-ass forms of transportation and struggles to get the kids back to mom. Hijinks — including one airport scene where a security guard tackles his face — ensue.
