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Canwest News Service
Well, thank gawd that's over.
2009 wasn't the best of times, or the worst, though after sitting through Inglourious Basterds I could make a strong case for the latter. The economy, economists insisted, was in recovery: Somebody really should tell all those poor and unemployed people the good news. British Columbians got a bobsled track and ski jump and skating oval, and, oh yes, a record deficit. We'll own the podium, though possibly not our own houses. Tiger Woods gave new meaning to the phrase "Play it as it lays," while South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, trysting with his mistress in Argentina, tried to throw the media off the scent by claiming he was hiking the Appalachian Trail on — and I am not making this up — Naked Hiking Day. Kanye West, correctly identified by President Obama as a "jackass," got it only half right when he crashed the stage at the Video Music Awards and insisted that the pretty, mildly talented and utterly forgettable Taylor Swift didn't deserve the Best Female Video award. He was equally wrong, however, to insist the prize belonged to Beyonce, she of the voicebox set permanently on tremolo, and who Etta James wanted to kill after the Mundane Miss B warbled At Last to within an inch of its life at Obama's coming-out party. It wasn't all bad — there was Pixar's enchanting Up, the best movie of the year, but then, animated cartoon characters seem to have acted so much more admirably than real live human beings lately. And what can you say about a year in which the word "Gaga" played so prominent a part? You say: Mediocrity ruled.
With all of that in mind, let's take a look back at some of the news stories that I think typified what 2009 was about.
HEY, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? IN GAZA, IT'S A NATIONAL HOLIDAY
On Nov. 19, reported the Naples Daily News of Naples, Florida, 10 middle-school students assaulted Jewish classmates in what they called "Kick a Jew Day." The students were taking their cue from the infamous Kick A Ginger Day, which takes place a day later on Nov. 20, when students kick and assault the redheads among them, including, as we at The Sun have reported, right here in B.C. The Kick A Ginger Day phenomenon grew out of an episode of South Park in 2005 in which the loathsome Eric Cartman accuses redheads of "gingervitis." Satire, unfortunately, is lost on children, and proof of that is evidenced by the fact that the kids who took part in Kick A Jew Day just couldn't get it right: One of the students kicked was not Jewish, while two of the kids who did the kicking were Jewish.
THE STATE HAS NO PLACE IN THE NOSTRILS OF THE NATION!
Ontario Transportation Minister Jim Bradley became a darling of the blogosphere after musing about how proud he was of Ontario's new distracted-driving law that banned the use of all electronic devices while driving. Apparently, Bradley opined there were other dangers to drivers that the government might finger. "Sure," he was quoted as saying on the AllWeirdNews.comwebsite, "talking on a cellphone while driving is dangerous but there are many other activities occurring during driving that are just as dangerous if not more so . . . For example the other day I was almost side-swiped by a man that was completely distracted while picking his nose, and I don't mean just a nose scratch — he was up to his knuckle."
IF AT THE 949TH ATTEMPT YOU DON'T SUCCEED, CONSIDER TRANSIT
Cha Sa-Soon, 68, of Jeonju, South Korea, finally passed the written portion of her driving exam after four years and her 950th attempt. To get her licence, she must now pass her practical driving test.
BETCHA CAN'T EAT JUST ONE! WITHOUT BARFING, I MEAN
In its "Do Us A Flavour" campaign, Walker's Crisps, purveyors of British potato chips, asked the public at the beginning of the year to try, and then vote for, their favourite among the six new flavours of chips Walker's was testing. These included chili and chocolate, crispy duck with hoisin sauce, onion bhaji, fish and chips, builders' breakfast (a commingling of bacon, eggs, tomato sauce and buttered toast flavours) and — I am not making this up — Cajun squirrel. In May, the Mirror newspaper reported that the builders' breakfast chips had won with 22 per cent of the vote. In a surprise (to me) result, Chili and chocolate narrowly squeezed out Cajun squirrel for last place.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT IT, BUT I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THEIR PARMESAN TOPPING
The owner and staff of a Bronx pizza parlour were arrested, the New York Daily News reported, for allegedly delivering side orders of cocaine with their pizza, calzones and hero sandwiches. Some pizza boxes were said to contain up to $40,000-worth of cocaine.
BREAKING THE SOUND BARRIER
The Sun newspaper in the U.K. reported that Caroline Cartwright, 48, of Washington, England, was arrested on April 18, 22, and 26 and threatened with jail time for breaching her anti-social-behaviour order brought against her for her excessive noise-making while having sex with her husband. Neighbours, including one who was partially deaf, made hundreds of complaints to police about the couple's loud love-making, which included screaming, shouting and the sound of their bed banging against the wall.
JUST BE THANKFUL IT WASN'T UNDER THE CARTWRIGHT'S BED
As a practical joke, reported the Daily Mail, a British man, as best man at the friend's wedding, set up a sensor pad under the honeymooning couple's marital bed — a sensor pad that automatically relayed messages to a Twitter account whenever the couple had sex. The account, "newlywedsontjob," included notes on duration, a "frenzy index" and editorial comments such as "Could do better."
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? AM TAKING BA. . . ZZZZZT
The Croatian Times reported that Maria Barbu, 17, of Brasov, Romania, died of electrocution in her bathtub while Twittering, after dropping her laptop in the water.
WHEN I TRY IT, IT JUST COMES OUT AS VOMIT
At this year's annual Ig Nobel Prize Awards, which celebrate research that "cannot, or should not, be repeated," Javier Morales of the National University of Mexico won the chemistry prize for turning the national drink, tequila, into a thin film of diamonds. The film was produced by heating 80 per cent proof tequila in a pressure vessel.
AND FOR THIS, YOU SPENT $40,000 A YEAR ON YOUR KID'S UNIVERSITY EDUCATION
While Mexicans are doing invaluable research on how to turn booze into diamonds, we here in Canada are keeping pace by studying the mathematics of zombie attacks. A group of University of Ottawa math students and their professor developed a model of what might happen to civilization in the case of a zombie outbreak. Their conclusion: Not good, if not dealt with quickly. Their paper, subsequently published in a science journal for infectious diseases, was entitled When Zombies Attack! Mathematical Modelling of an Outbreak of Zombie Infection.
AND NEXT YEAR, KIDS, WE'RE DOING A SCHOOL OUTING TO YVR
Three prison employees lost their jobs and two others resigned, reported the Associated Press, when it was learned that more than 40 children ranging in ages five to 17 were shocked with stun guns as part of a demonstration on Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day. None of the children was seriously hurt.
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE REALLY EMBARRASSING, DAD? GETTING ARRESTED FOR CHILD ABUSE
Reuters reported that farmers in an eastern Indian state have asked their unmarried daughters to go naked and plow their dry fields so as to embarrass the weather gods into bringing monsoon rains.
AND FINALLY
Unfortunately, There's No Repeat Customers: Associated Press reported that a funeral home in Rome, Georgia, was offering the one-time deal of the year: Drivers could visit the funeral home, sign a contract stating that they were planning to take drugs or drink and then drive on New Year's Eve. If they died in a wreck that day, the funeral home would give them a free burial.
No word yet if anyone availed themselves of the offer.
pmcmartin@vancouversun.com
