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Canwest News Service
A story in last week’s National Post reported that the city of Calgary has hired a California public relations firm to help rebrand the city, which is endeavouring to shed its long-standing (and unfounded) reputation as a shoot-’em-up cowpoke town. Games People Play has obtained a copy of the firm’s list of possible slogans. It reflects a place both at odds with its past and uncertain about its future.
Predictably, oil is a popular and recurring motif, ranging from "We Have All Of The Oil: Suck It!" to "Used Or Unpopular SUVs Welcome To Mullets, Steaks And Petroleum: Now That’s What I Call A Party" to "Tailing Pool Swimming: Canada’s Newest Extreme Sport." The Wild West is also a frequently used image. Included on the list is "Please, Wear Your Moustache Without Irony," "We Kill Animals For Food, No Problem" and "These Chaps Ain’t Nothing But For Riding", although the latter is scribbled out and "Arghhh!" is written in the margin.
Hockey is the subject of many entries, the most popular being "Where Steve Smith Is Worshipped As A God". Also, "Easily Defeated By Blackhawks" and "Calgary Doesn’t Blow: Except Five Goal Leads" are there, the latter two suggestions culled from a recent city-wide slogan contest. Other hockey-centric ideas include "If Your Name’s Sutter, You Can Have Whatever Job You Want" and "Children, Seniors And People With Weird Names Like Dion And Theoren Eat For Half-price," and there’s the occasional Olympic reference, like "Discount Bobsledding Available All Days" and "Where The Olympics Will Never Return" and "Bare Ass In The Mountains: Extras Needed For The Filming Of The Story Of Alberto Tomba In Alberta.’ "
The city’s greater arts culture is a large part of the firm’s sloganeering. "No, Nickelback Comes From Hannah" is on the list, as is "Home Of The Short Mole-faced Singer" and "Two Kids In The Hall Were Born Here, But Left Years Ago. " One item name-checks the provocative One Yellow Rabbit Performance Company – "Whatever You Do, Don’t Mention The One Yellow Rabbit Performance Company" – while another points to the city’s ballet scene – "Where Even Dancing To The Music Of Joni Mitchell Is An Excuse For Art." The zoo is referenced – "Interactive Tiger Exhibit Now Closed" – and the city’s famous tower is the subject of a handful of suggestions, including "No, We’re Not Sure What It’s For, Either, Other Than A Photo Opportunity For People Visiting From Leduc."
Famous Calgarians are given their due, ranging from "Visit Now Or The Ghost Of Stu Hart Kicks Your Ass" to "Paul Gross Was Born Here And We Have 27 People Just As Handsome" to "Stephen Harper Lived In Calgary, Just Ask Him And He’ll Surely Answer You In Song!" to "You Think The Reform Party Was Right Wing? Check Out Our Latest Band Of Political Whack Jobs." I wondered whether the former Alberta premier would find his way on to the list, and he has: "Come To Kleincountry." However, the words are scribbled out and "Arghhh!" is written in the margin.
It’s hard to know which of these slogans will be used to sell Calgary to potential tourists, but they could do worse than "Better Than Regina" or "We’re Kinda Near Banff" or "We Want To Be Dallas!", which were also public suggestions. I thought back to my own first experiences in Cowberg and wondered whether anything was usable. In 1987, my band-mates and I wandered into the National Hotel, where we played four shows in the lounge, and survived living in the flophouse upstairs. After arriving that first evening, a woman told our guitar player: "Better not use the washroom. My boyfriend’s in there waiting to kill you." I look back and laugh at the episode, because this western city has been the most supportive of all places in terms of my music, plays and books. That said, "We Support Good And Interesting Art From The East" probably doesn’t have the kind of pizzazz the PR firm is looking for.
No, "Calgary: Better Not Use The Washroom" is much better.
