loading...
By Shelley Nicholl
At every step in parenthood, it seems we trip over another moral or ethical dilemma.
It starts right away: cloth diapers or Pampers; bottle or breast; circumcise or leave everything as it is and, should you dress your baby girl in pink and let her play with Barbies.
No pressure, but whatever you decide will scar them and you for life.
It gets more severe: should you spank your children or should you torture them with mind games?
If you make the wrong choice, your child will be forever damaged and you will be responsible. If they become Harvard grads, magna cum laude, you made the right choice. If their face is on a wanted poster…oops.
The dilemmas never end.
Now, with a 16-year-old, the next concern on the growth chart is drinking. In a recent article in Maclean’s, parents discussed if they should allow their graduating teens to have a beer or two at home with friends. The pro-theory is that at least you know they’re drinking in a safe place. The con-argument is that, well, it’s illegal.
It becomes an ethical issue similar to the harm-reduction theories in healthcare. If you know your teen may be drinking, don’t you want to at least have some safety measures in place? Or, do you take the hard line that no drinking is allowed in their lives until they’re 19–period–knowing darn well you’ll have to become an insipid party police officer and follow your child everywhere.
In the article, some parents said absolutely no drinking and didn’t even drink in front of their children. Some allowed controlled grad parties in their basement, with sleepover capabilities in the backyard.
In my day, the rule was no drinking in the house until 19, but, starting when we were young, we often had tiny Italian shot-glass size tastes of watered-down homemade wine with dinner. I believe this was actually a tactic to have us hate alcohol. At least my parents knew we weren’t going to steal their wine, unless we needed to start a fire or kill germs.
The best drinking prevention technique they had, however, was that my mom was a teacher in my high school. She knew everything. If I was drinking at a party on the weekend, she knew by 8:30 a.m. Monday.
Today, I face the challenge of coming up with an enforcement policy.
Unfortunately–and here’s the kicker–as I mentioned, I was a teenager once, too.
On the surface, we parents are forced to follow the legal rules. But, when I chat with other parents of high school kids, there’s a problem. Our first comment, with a guilty giggle, is: “I remember what I was doing at that age.”
And, that’s what makes parenting so difficult. We were all once teens ourselves and did some pretty stupid things. It would be much easier to be a parent and enforce the rules if we hadn’t blatantly broken them ourselves.
For all those parents who did follow the rules, this is easy. But, nobody told me then that my teen behaviour would affect my parenting skills. Maybe that would have been a deterrent. Maybe I should use it now.
I have had several chats with my oldest about drinking and how to be careful. I guess I take the harm-reduction theory that it’s better she drink responsibly and be safe, even if she’s legally too young. She will be legal shortly.
I also want her to talk to me about it and know I’m not judging (yikes, wouldn’t want her judging me). Fortunately, she’s much more responsible than I.
So, it is a precarious position for parents to enforce drinking policies with teens.
“Mom, everyone is going to a party at so-and-so’s and I want to go with my friends.”
“Will there be drinking?”
“It’s a party.”
I think, as a teen, I would have lied here. (Don’t reminisce about high school…don’t reminisce about high school…)”You’re too young and I don’t think you should go.”
“Everyone is going, mom.” She lists everyone.
“That doesn’t mean you have to go.”
“Mom, didn’t you ever go to a party and drink when you were underage?”
Here it is. Ba boom. I can stop her from going and prevent carnage in her life when she becomes a mother: “Do you realize how awful a parent you will be if you go to this party?”
That quieted her. Or confused her. “I’m not going to drink, mom.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“I’ll pick you up at 11.”
“Eleven? But, everyone…”
“Ten-thirty.”
shelley@kelowna.com/(250) 575-0761
Tags: parenting
